Parents

Dear Parents who bring their babies to horror movies,

You are idiots.  What good is it to bring a baby to a horror movie called Drag Me to Hell at 9:10 at night.  You should not of had kids.  Its sickening to even see you take your child into the theater and then and then have him/her cry during the movie.  I hope you realize your child will have nightmares for life.  I'm Angry!

Sincerely,

CORNY reviews.

UP

So I first must apologize.  I saw this movie early yesterday morning, but I have not posted this until now for a few reasons.  1.  I got Lazy.  2.  I wanted you all to check out the blog under this one, about the movie Anvil:  The Story of Anvil, and 3.  I still am a little unsure about how I felt about UP.  So here’s my review fans!

Dear Pixar,

            I salute you.  You have a done many things right in this world, and I think UP was your best yet.  Now keep in mind executive of Pixar, I am not a fan of animation movies.  My favorite animation movie is Persepolis because it was creative, and innovative.  I think all animation movies are the same, and now they all have the word 3D in their title.  That’s besides the point here’s what I liked about up.  In the weirdest way possible this movie actually seemed real.  You used normal everyday humans beings like Russell, and Carl to be your main characters.  In all your movies in the past that had humans as main characters they had super powers, so this aspect of the movie was refreshing.  It was refreshing that Russell was Asian American.  So often we see either white people or African Americans, but never Asian Americans as the lead roles in animation movies.  This truly was a remarkable feat I thought, and made me enjoy the character of Russell that much more.  If I had any beef in the movie it was that I heard Carl say the world Russell at least 50 times.  If you watch the trailer the sound engineer uses the same “Russell” twice, and he does it 3 times in the movie.  Not that big of a deal, just thought you should know for Toy Story 3.  Don’t say Woody all the time Ok, its perverse, and annoying.  Thank you for your time, and know that this movie evoked every emotion I think I have, so well done.

There truly is nothing bad to say about this movie.  My favorite character was Doug the dog.  He just always provided comic relief and that was really refreshing.  Parents notice the rating of this movie PG.  I personally would not take a kid to this movie if you have not had talks about death, divorce, parental separation, and miscarriages.  You could take them and hope they don’t notice, but there are some major questions to be asked if you have a curious kid as to why certain things happened.  Other than that brilliant movie that is definitely for a family even if animation isn’t your thing.  Go see UP in theatres because the Big Screen makes the movie come alive.  I give this movie a…

XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.

Anvil: The Story of Anvil

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:  FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER ON CORNY REVIEWS, MY GOOD FRIEND JONNY HUTCHINGS.  AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER...ACTUALLY A GOOD REVIEW.

Salutations! My name is Jonny. Corny Reviews’ founder and fearless leader, Christian Warne, has been kind enough to ask me to contribute to the site, and I am honored to do so. As he previously mentioned, my reviews will be geared towards more independent fare, because a) I’m a closet elitist and b) it’s hard to find interesting things to talk about when we’re imbued with Hollywood summer blockbuster mediocrity. That being said, I am fully aware that “independent” film has become just as commodified as major studio films, but still, I’d much rather talk about Sin Nombre than Transformers 5.

A few things about me: I’m an aspiring filmmaker, I’m extremely opinionated and stubborn (a perfect marriage!), I think Orson Welles and Ingmar Bergman were true geniuses, and I just completed grad school and as a result now hold a Master’s degree in Cinema Studies -- so I think it’s only fair that you automatically respect my opinion. But enough about me. Let’s talk about a charming, redundantly titled documentary called “Anvil! The Story of Anvil.”

For the sake of this review, (which I will now call “Review! A Movie Reviewer Reviews a Movie”), and for the sake of conceptualization, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume a lot of you have seen This Is Spinal Tap. If so, then you’ll be thrilled to know that Anvil proves Spinal Tap is for real; if you haven’t seen Spinal Tap, no need to fret, there is still plenty to like here.

The documentary follows two original members of the once-popular metal band, Anvil, who are now in their fifties. Both Steve “Lips” Kudlow and Robb Reiner (no, not that Rob Reiner) are fascinating, with their never-die attitude, life-long friendship, and constant brotherly quarrels. Back in the 80s, when their brand of metal was dominating the airwaves, they were primed for success, sharing the stage with giants like Bon Jovi, Scorpions, Motley Crue, etc. Unfortunately, and perhaps, inexplicably, they never got their break (interviews with Lars Ulrich, Slash, and Lemmy Kilmister attest to this bewildering occurrence) and, astonishingly, they have been trying to make it ever since -- at the cost of financial instability and frequent absences from home. The film succeeds because both Kudlow and Reiner are extremely funny and entertaining, but beyond entertainment it's easy to have a profound respect for these crusty rockers and it’s even easier to feel sorry for them. Perhaps the most touching aspects of Anvil are the interviews with spouses, siblings and parents, as they demonstrate the degree of tolerance required to stick with middle-aged men still pursuing a 16-year-old’s ultimate rock star fantasy. The amount of unwavering support these people have for the band, even though their dream, by all accounts and measures, is virtually unattainable, is truly heart-warming. Well-shot and edited, Anvil positions itself as an underdog saga even non-metalheads will root for. It effectively tows that fine line between chuckling at its protagonists’ somewhat absurd situation and celebrating their sheer unwillingness to give up. It’s heartbreaking at times to see these guys struggle for so long with little or no day off, but that’s also what is so endearing about the film. These guys want nothing more than to get their music to a large amount of people, and their unbridled passion is both inspiring and touching. It’s at the tail end of its theatrical run, so it may be available in select cities, but most of you will probably have to wait for the rental. Either way, Anvil has a lot of heart and won’t disappoint.

I do declare that this film is deserving of an….

XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

 All questions, comments, and insults are welcome. Thanks for reading!

Shameless plug: Jonny has just completed his first film, a film noir comedy entitled “Dead Privates,” and plans on shopping it to as many festivals as he can. Please contact him if you’re interested in seeing the film, or are interested in helping spread the word. He won’t pay you with money, but he will pay you in love -- which is priceless.

 

Hannah Montana: The Movie [DVD]

Before you say anything, just know that CORNY reviews exists not only to give you reviews of movies that you want to see, but also movies that you may have to see if you are a parent, or a young teen.  I am not here to please, just to be your friendly movie reviewer. 

Also here in the next few weeks, we will be ADDING A NEW TEAM MEMBER TO CORNY REVIEWS.  I have received such good feedback that its time to expand my staff.  Fresno doesn’t have an independent theatre, and its time to get some independent movies on this blog.  My good friend Jonny starting in the month of June will be stepping into that role [he has really good grammar, so watch out].  I hope that in the near future you will still check back to CORNY reviews to get the best reviews out there!!!  For now Hannah Montana: The Movie [DVD]

Dear People sitting in front of me!

            I have to say you all were the worst part of this movie.  It is a fun totally family friendly movie that really appeals to teenage girls, and their families, and you pretty much ruined it.  I personally haven’t ever wanted to shoot somebody because they were annoying me [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28401781/] but you family of 5 in front of me I was seriously considering it.  Just know it was close.  That’s all I have to say!!!

What do you want me to say?  The movies plot is simple; Miley Cyrus has to choose between both worlds.  Hannah Montana or the daughter of Tennessee Native Billy Ray Cyrus.  If you watch the movie for just pure fun, it’s actually not that bad.  There is one scene in front of a revolving door, that was actually kind of creative, and from a director point of few was actually kind of fresh, and something I haven’t seen before.  I am not going to lie I liked the cheesiness of the movie, and Miley Cyrus did exactly what she wanted…to get her fans to pay $10 to see her on the big screen.  When you make $77 million dollars you must be doing something right.  So Kudos to you Miley you managed to make a very family friendly movie that wasn’t awful, and you made bank.  Good Job.

Attn: Fathers this is a great movie to RENT with your daughters, it has a good message to it, and that’s why I give this movie a…

MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN

 

Terminator: Salvation

One movie right after the other, this is a great weekend.  Also for all those who use rotten tomatoes as your movie source.  Stop.  It’s not really that good, and it’s just a bunch of people who write their own reviews, and they are never right.  I ask that either you use this website exclusively for movie reviews or visit www.ew.com.  Now for your review!

 Dear Common,

            Stop Acting.

Sincerely,

Corny Reviews

 This movie was exactly what I wanted it to be.  High Octane Fun.  Rock Solid Action.  [Both of which are movie reviews given by the terrible yet awesome movie reviewer Pete Hammond.  They were for The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, and The Scorpion King.]  So you can see how awesome this movie was already.  In all seriousness this movie was pretty good.  The story, and script were mediocre, but the action made up for it.  The only part I didn’t like was Common.  He is a terrible actor.  John Conner played by Christian Bale wasn’t really the best part, although I commemorate Christian Bale for doing a movie with the director of The O.C., and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.  The best part of this movie was really the breakthrough actor Sam Worthington. His story as the T-800 was actually really cool, and it gave the movie a good heart beat throughout.  You will hear this name more in the next year, and will see him in a preview during the new Transformers movie.  He is the lead actor in James Cameron’s [the director of Titanic, and Aqua Man…starring Vincent Chase] new movie AVATAR, which is going to be awesome.  MCG the director gave his audience exactly what we wanted.  Action.  Lots and Lots of action.  Unlike Wolverine the action was appropriate, and not really all that brutal.  He kept the dark/end of the world feel of the original Terminators, and added his own fun spin on things.  He even chose a great casting director because I thought the acting and casting was great.  P.S.  look out for an awesome cameo, but not really a cameo.  Weird I know.  Yeah you should see this movie.  Yeah you should be 13 to see this movie, and No there is no use of the F-Word.  Congrats Worthington, Bale, and MCG you guys put together a solid movie that I was thoroughly entertained throughout.  So you all get a…

LARGE BAG OF POPCORN.

Night at the Museum: Battle at the Smithsonian

Well I hope that everybody had a Good Friday.  I only hope that this next review will be helpful as you choose what you see this week. 

Dear Casting Director,

            I appreciate the fact that you wanted to get just about every fairly well known comedian in one movie, and have some fun with it.  While it was fun to see some favs like Jay Baruchal, and Thomas Lennon, it was NOT A FUN…I repeat NOT A FUN movie to watch.  If you could tell the writer of this movie to find a better job because it made no sense at all.   A bunch of statues trying to prevent the evil yet ridiculous Hank Azaria [yeah that’s right the guy from Tuesdays with Morie is the villain] from bringing his friends back from the dead.  As I watched this movie I noticed the dialogue between characters being extremely long, come to think of it Mr. Casting Director, with half the people in this movie being sketch comedy actors, I am wondering if 50% of this movie was not scripted, and therefore you picked live actors to play a lot of the roles, either way BAD MOVIE.  I will give you credit for my boy Owen Wilson; at least he got some solid screen time, and was a part of my favorite scene alongside Steve Coogan.  Steve Coogan?  Yeah I know who he is, but to my fans I just want to say watch out for this guy, because he may be one of the funniest men in movies today.  Great casting for them, as far as everyone else I think I lost a lot of respect for them just because there really was no need for them to be in the movie.  So thanks for ruining my view of what I think are some pretty cool actors, now I just think their idiots for actually looking at this script and thinking, “OH YEAH I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT.”  Last thing Amy Adams was a solid choice for Amelia Airheart, next time you do casting leave her out of it she deserves better writing and directing.  Thanks for your time.

  Readers, Fan, everyone who dare read this blog listen up.  This movie is not good.  That is a lot coming from me seeing that I like a lot of movies that most people think are bad…the 6^th Man.  It’s not as bad a Drillbit Taylor, but still its bad.  I feel like the whole movie is like on run-on sentence.  Sure take your kids to see it, it will waste 2 hours of your life, and you kids will just like seeing monkeys hug each other.  It’s a win win, you can nap, and your kid can have a good time.  I wish I could say don’t even rent this movie, but because I like so many people in the movie, and I really like the first one I am going to give this movie a…

SMALL BAG OF POPCORN

Drillbit Taylor

Attention this is DVD review, so if you only care about movies in the theatres or you saw this already check back tomorrow for a review on Night at the Museum.  

Dear Seth Rogen,

            What the Heck!  Poor writing buddy.  I was definitely not a fan.  This movie is a direct consequence from getting really famous really fast.  You think you can just go out and write anything, and people are going to like it…WRONG. I actually really like Owen Wilson and you put him in a terrible role.  I think he did a terrific job with what he had, but what kind of a story is 3 kids hiring a bodyguard, and then realizing he was bum.  Not cool dude.  The kids that you got to play the bullies were worthless actors, and as far as ME the audience hating the bullies, and liking the geeks, well I felt nothing for anybody except Wilson, and Danny McBride was pretty fun too [but what is he not funny in.]  Last thing Mr. Rogen before I go on a hike with my wife, what was your plan for Leslie Mann in this movie.  This is your best friends wife, and you throw her in some crazy role as a women who throws herself at pretty much any guy that comes her way.  The first time Wilson and Mann meet in this movie I about threw up because their is no way it is possible.  I believe Chris Pine from Star Trek liking the She-Hulk more than I believe this ridiculous love story. Brendan Frasier and Leslie Mann will always have the greatest love story every told in George of the Jungle Seth, don’t you forget that.

 

Thanks.  I can’t believe I chewed Seth Rogen out like that.  I’ve just seen better writing from him.  This movie needs help; you don’t care a whole lot about the characters and honestly don’t waste your time.  If you do end up renting it because they are all out of Disaster Movie, don’t worry its pretty clean.  Some foul language, and references to sex, and drugs.  Seriously though don’t rent it.  I give this movie a…

XTRA-SMALL BAG OF POPCORN

Star Trek

I feel bad for this one.  I am sure that most of you have seen this movie already so it doesn't matter a whole bunch what my review says.  I promise to get better, and faster with my reviews.  A few people have been questioning my use of the word there, their, and they're.  Well to all of you whom actually care about grammar when you read someone's movie review there is a great resource called www.ew.com.  Now to repeat, I will try and edit my post as best as I can, but the truth is I want to get my review posted as fast as possible.  Would you rather go see Babylon A.D. starring Vin Diesel which would have earned an extra small bag of popcorn, or tell me how I need to watch my theirs!  Enjoy my next post!  Thanks for those of you who check this blog

Dear Mr. Abrams,

Wow! From Felicity to this, I am impressed.  Now I don't exactly know the story of every star trek episode, so I can't speak to the accuracy of the film, but as far as the action part, and the story I walked away now a FAN of Star Trek.  It may be 30 years to late, but I think that if people my age can like the beatles...then I can like Star Trek.  What did you think of my Casting you asked?  Well Mr. Abrams I thought you casting was excellant.  To bring the kid from Just my Luck starring Lindsey Lohan was a total risk but he payed off playing an amazing Kirk.  The obvious is Sylar from Heroes [does anyone even watch that show any more?]  He did an amazing job, but by far as my favorites, that was either Bones, or Simon Pegg.  I am not sure of Bones as an actor.  I should check his IMDB page, but the truth is he was a great friend to Captain Kirk, and I really appreciated the banter that they had back and forth.  As for Simon Pegg he added comedy in a position in the movie that in most movies usually drags, but he kept it upbeat, and for that I appreciate him.  I just think JJ this is easily your best movie, and arguably your best directoral role as of yet.  Lost, Alias, What About Brian, 6 Degrees, and your first Felicity were all great TV shows, with some excellant directing by you, and friends, but TO BRING LIFE TO A DYING FRANCHISE DESERVES A MAJOR ROUND OF APPLAUSE.  So thanks

Honestly this film is really good.  One sex scene with She-Hulk, a couple bad words, and the obivious violence.  I think that I can say this pretty safely that this movie is ok for children 13 and up.  Acting, Directing, Script...everything was amazing in my eyes and with all that I give this movie a...

XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN

Jason Segal

Jason Segal may have just entered my top 5 favorite actors of all time.  After seeing I, Love You Man for a second time, watching him play a crazy boyfriend in Undeclared, and loving his character Marshall in HIMYM he just might join the ranks with Jay Baruchal, Owen Wilson, Denzel Washington, Drew Carey, and Mark Wahlberg.  Ok Drew Carey was a joke, but everyone else is in my top 5.  Segal has just really been surprising me in the last couple of films he's been in.  I wouldn't consider him the most appropriate actor of all time, but he definitely shows his fun quirky side in HIMYM, and thats the side I love the most.  So Jason Segal I give you for being pure Awesome A...

TRIPLE XTRA LARGE BAG OF POPCORN. [so red-box HIMYM...if you can]

Ghost of Girlfriends Past

Before I begin, there is a few things you need to know.  Corny Reviews was created last Saturday when I said to my friends Scott and Jerrod that I wanted to create a movie review website.  Jerrod was the one who thought out the name Corny Reviews, and everything came from their.  I just wanted to give credit where credit was due.  Another thing you need to know about me is that I will see just about anything in the movie theatre.  During Oscar season I see movies for what they are.  Anything else after that, and especially during the summer, I see the movies for pure entertainment.  Plus they make great dates for my wife and I.  I hope you continue to comment, and let me know what you think, whether you agree or disagree with my review.  Oh yeah don't judge me for this review!

Dear Mr. McConaughey,

I appreciate you.  I actually think you are a not a terrible actor.  I have seen you in some really good roles actually.  Dazed and Confused, A Time to Kill, Angels in the Outfield those were all excellent role choices for you.  This movie...not so much.  The only thing this movie gave you was a way out.  The first half of this movie there was not a single person in the pact out theatre that actually cared about you.  You are a man after women, and thats all we needed to know.  Now I know this isn't the REAL YOU Matthew, but in you last 10 movies this is who we as Americans think you are.  You have played the same character, and at this point no one cares anymore about you.  Now the second half of the movie, well you totally redeem yourself, and actually do a tiny bit of acting.  You show us the audience that you as an actor in real life and as a best man in the movie, that you are going to change.  This role that you are playing as a womanizer isn't working, and its time for you to get serious about your career.  [As you will notice on his IMDB page, he doesn't have any chick flicks under his radar for a long time]  Are you done Matthew?  Is this the end of the your career in Romantic Comedies?  If it is then I actually appreciate this role you took in the move to parallel your new career move.  If not, you still can act, just pick better movies!

Sincerely,

Christian Warne [CORNY reviews]

Honestly its not a terrible movie.  Jennifer Gardner is extremely sweet in the movie, and you end up falling in love with her character really fast.  Breckin Meyer is the only male in the movie that you actually end up liking.  Yes thats the guy from Garfield 1 and 2.  There is a scene towards the end that makes even me choke up a little bit.  So for all its failures, it definitely has some pluses.  As far as cleanliness...well its pretty dirty.  Lots of sexual innuendos, plenty of cleavage, and lot of women throwing themselves at Matthew McConaughy.  Its not the most appropriate to take a girlfriend too, and especially not a girlfriend from you past.  Get it.  I'm Awesome.  The choice is really yours as to whether you want to see it or not.  Anyways I hope I have provided you with enough info to make that decision on your own.  

SMALL BAG OF POPCORN.

Wolverine

 

Ok so here is my first attempt at this so bare with me.  If you haven't already seen Wolverine then you are really not a fan, and you probably won't want to even see it anyway.  Before we begin I would just like to say and I have said this before in my other blogs, that I don't care a whole lot about spelling and grammar, so if you don't like that, then don't read this.  Now for a Corny Review on Wolverine!

Dear Marvel,

In case you haven't noticed Hugh Jackman will not, and cannot carry a movie by himself.   He is not Will Smith, and he doesn't have the greatest track record.  Kate & Leopold, Swordfish, may I remind you of the wonderful Van Helsing, none of these movies have a track record to say Yes, lets give him his own movie.  Even his latest attempt Australia bombed at the box office.  What I am ultimately getting at, is you tried to create a story that we the audience didn't give a rip about because we don't care about the guy that played Leopold!  Now I must give credit where credit is due Mr. Stan Lee.  This movie was full of great action sequences.  I spent most of the movie on the edge of my seat waiting for something cool to blow up.  Beyond the action scenes there was really only 2 characters that I really cared about.  #1 Ryan Reynolds, and #2 Taylor Kitsch, both of whom had awesome scenes, and both of whom where on the screen for a total of 5 minutes TOPS.  Riggins from the television show Friday Night Lights was the best decision your casting director ever made.  He was the perfect Gambit, and he was easily the best person in the movie.  Now when Ryan Reynolds was on screen before he turned deadpool he was cool too.  I spent the rest of the movie wanting him to come back, and once he did, I was totally freaked out, that I didn't care any more.  So winning Role goes to Taylor Kitsch playing an excellent version of Gambit!  You at least got that right Marvel!  Last thing.  If you are planning on seeing this movie just know that it is really violent.  I would not take a young child to this for 2 reasons...Hugh Jackman may not be the best actor, but he will cause anyone to stumble when he takes his shirt off, and the second reason is because IT IS SERIOUSLY VIOLENT.  I love you Gambit, but in all fairness I am going to give this movie a 

MEDIUM BAG OF POPCORN!

What is CORNY reviews?

Well, not really sure at this point.  My vision I guess is to provide you the reader, and watcher with a solid movie review.  There are to many people out there that just rip apart movies, and never just watch them for what they really are...entertainment.  We have seen in these hard economic times the movie industry has gone up over 23%.  People just want to be entertained, and I want to provide them with the perfect entertainment choice.  I am not here to tell you whether a movie should win an oscar or not.  I am here to tell you what size popcorn you should buy if you end up seeing the movies that I review.  I believe you can tell whether a movie is good or not based upon the amount of popcorn consumed by the end of the movie.  I will review my movies on this scale.

BAGS OF POPCORN:

XTRA-SMALL - DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME [NOT EVEN ON DVD]

SMALL - ITS NOT TERRIBLE, BUT ITS NOT GOOD EITHER [RENT IT MAYBE]

MEDIUM - GO SEE IT WHY NOT! [RENT THIS]

LARGE - YOU SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE [BUY THIS]

XTRA-LARGE - IF YOU DON’T SEE THIS, YOU ARE AN IDIOT [3-DISC SPECIAL EDITION]

TRIPLE XTRA-LARGE - THIS JUST MEANS PURE AWESOMENESS [RED-BOX IT]

If you have a problem with this Scale.  I DON’T care.  If you choose to read my reviews.  Awesome.  If you don’t, there is always EW.  Enjoy.  I will try and Post 3-4 movie/DVD reviews per week.  ENJOY